| Yesterday was his death anniversary.
He'd gone for one year. Yet his image when he's still healthy, his skeleton-like corpse, his grandmother's heart-breaking wails, his classmates' red, swollen eyes & sobs, his somber funeral procession, his cremation... are still fresh in my mind -- as if I were just at his funeral yesterday.
I'm at loss of words to describe my feeling now.
I never got familiar with him, although we'd been in the same class for 2 years in our primary school. I talked to everyone in the class, including guys, but except him. I think we never once spoke to each other in the first year. I think I would totally forget about his precense if he wasn't always praised by the teacher in the class for his well-written Malay essays. For some times, I even regarded him as a threat to my dominance of being the well-rounded & best student in the class, especially in essays-writing -- the subject which he'd always outshine me. He's an apple in every teacher's eyes, as he's brilliant & well-mannered. On the other hand, although I was one of the best students in the class, I was a headache to the dicipline teachers --- wilful, mischievous, stubborn, arrogant, & a school-rules-breaker. The teachers would raise a thumb-up with a big grin on their faces when his name was mentioned among them. I was not sure about mine, but one thing I was sure of was that my bad reputation among the prefects & the dicipline teachers wouldn't earn me good name, though. We were like two parellel lines that will never meet. I remembered the only time I really did 'notice' him & develop a little interest (don't get the wrong idea. It's more like a kind of curiosity) on him was on the last year of our primary school lives. He was appointed to mimic the dance of a certain pop star in a school Talentime contest for the graduates, despite his image in the school as a quiet scholar. So.. in order to satisfy my curiosity of seeing a quiet guy dancing like a pop star, I actually went to peek at him secretly when he was practicing with the music teacher. Well, almost no doubt with that, his 'rough' & stupid-looking movements made me laugh crazily (Well, I kept it from everyone's knowledge, of course) for a few days.
However, that thing I did, I thought, resembled the same thing which would always be done by a secret admirer/fangirl to her idol. Ohh.. that incident did leave some impacts on me besides my mad giggles at the sight of him. I actually blushed whenever his name was mentioned .
Yet the first, & the last time I heard of him after the graduation was the news that he's dying.
My eyes widened & my whole body shivered when I heard this shocking news from one of my ex-classmates. I thought my heart actually skipped a beat & I couldn't believe my ears. "You know what? He's gonna be gone...", was the phrase of words I received from my classmate, whom I did not noticed, was acting strange. There're such a strange expression on her face & a strange tone in her voice, which I'd never seen or heard from a cheerful girl like her. "Uhh? ", my hand, which was rushing the pen on my notebook, stopped instantaneously. "What do you mean? Is he going to oversea or what? ", I can still remember my naive & stupid question which then received a shocking answer from her, coming along with it were her reprimands for not being able to understand her true meaning & also me actually being the last to know about the news. At that time when I knew about that news, my classmates said, everything was already too late. He'd given up on medical treatments & he'd gone home waiting for his last day to come.
I was totally shocked. My palms went cold. My mind was heavily blown by that news for the rest of the day.
At that time, I only hoped that God wouldn't be so ... cruel to take a young life of him. He's only ...17. He should have been in his most youthful & energetic era of his teenage life.
Yet that fateful phone call put an end to my hope.
I was bathing at tht time when the phone call came. It was my mum/dad(I can't remember) who picked it out, & mum told me that it was from my primary school classmate. Then I was suddenly struck by a feeling that told me... something's amiss. However, I refused to believe in this feeling until I replied to the phone call, with slightly shaky hands as well as speaking tone. Then, everything was shattered. He's gone. He would be cremated on the next day. Tonight (That night) was when the religious ceremony would be held. Go see him for the last time, if you're free tonight.
However, I didn't have an immediate break-down on this news. My heart was just enveloped in shock & sadness. Mostly shock. It was then I suddenly realized that my family was going out for a celebration dinner as my cousin'd just got her extra annual bonus at work. This news would definitely spoil everyone's mood, especially dad, who seemed to be so enthusiastic & proud of my cousin's -- his business diciple's achievement. Burrying the thought of attending the mourning session, I kept quiet all the time during the party. Laughers surrounded me, yet an overwhelming guilt & sadness ate me up inside. I could pay a little attention to all the funny things they were babbling about, & only return them with a faked, bitter smile. I hated my own hypocracy at that time. Tears welled up in my eyes for a few times, yet no tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't want my sadness to be exposed. My mind was not there at the luxurious restaurant, only my body was there. I was not in myself. Though my mum & cousin did notice my strange behavior, I managed to put down their suspicions with all might, while prevented my useless tears from rolling down first.
However,
I told my family the news when we got back home, & I was determined to attend his funeral procession on the next day. They didn't say much to this sudden news & my decision. & they allowed me to go, without saying much. They even thought of giving his family some money as a 'consolation', which I nearly forgot. Everything was too sudden for us.
I shall never forget the moment when his grandmother wailed desperately for her beloved grandson.
He's gone forever.
However, I didn't shed a tear on his funeral. There're too many cryings for him that had brought so much tears. He should not be burdened by one more person's tear. One more person's tear, or even more tears, wouldn't bring him back, but would only add more misery to every attendents of the funeral.
Overwhelmed by sadness, I only spoke out my apologia to him in my heart, & prayed for his soul to rest in peace.
28 January 2004. He's gone forever.
~May God Bless His Soul~
~& May He Rests In Peace~ |
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